Heavy and tight. As if a 5-year-old was sitting so comfortably with crossed legs on my chest. The feel of each beat climbs into my throat and in my ears.

Harder and harder. Breath feels more difficult to catch and the outer edges of my peripheral are starting to darken. My anxiety rockets into action and my whole body’s receiving the message. Sensations crawl and burst within parts of me accompanied by discomfort.

I feel you real strong now body and I hear you loud and clear.

We are in survival mode.

I had done it again.

Allowed the conditioning of my trauma to put me right back into a situation that I didn’t need to be in. Not because it was a bad situation, but because I had missed the messages of rest for recalibration weeks before and the notifications had now piled up and were starting to tumble over.

So, heavy and tight it was.

Anxious and overwhelmed it was.

Depressing and tiring it was.

Honestly, I was a bit nervous and confused. I was so physically exhausted I could barely walk from the bed to the toilet without feeling I had run up and down a flight of stairs a few times. I was so emotionally burnt out that I was extremely sensitive to light, sound, and smells. My nervous system was out of whack. The left side of my body was gradually going numb and I felt stuck and trapped inside of a house in need of heavy repairs. Pipes were bursting, leaks exposing through sheetrock, and cracks in the foundation climbing up the walls.

I was mentally spiraling. Consciously stuck in levels that had my thoughts racing and my emotions raw. Feeling everything, I was. The feeling of the emotions of others was like riding down I-95 doing 120 with my foot stuck on the gas pedal. I felt their pain, their hurt, their depression, their grief, their happiness, their joy, their pleasure. My sensory was opened wide for understanding, but the healthy balancing act it requires for efficiency was missing. I was not discerning, I was absorbing.

I’ve had to be sat down by my spirit many times. When it happens, it is definitely forceful. Before I had my biggest Eye-opening experience in Japan, it would be with strep throat. Working hard in them warehouses I was, and even though there was tension with myself following along with the systems of the matrix, I was doing it. Once I opened up to an understanding of the systems we’re consciously trapped in and began tuning more into my spirit, it turned into prominent issues with my nervous system, autoimmune dysfunction, and greater influences on my physical heart.

This is how I began to understand that there was spiritual communication occurring within my physical body through nerve pathways from neuron to neuron. There’s a concentration in my spine and at the several plexuses and ganglia centers throughout the body. So, the periods of dysregulation are simply because I’m not listening. I’m not still enough to receive the messages from my Heart Center. I mean, it did tell me once before when I was in stillness that it speaks softly now. How else can I hear and receive if I’m not still enough; if I’m not resting?

So heavy and so tight it was that even in meditation I could not find my stillness. I was too physically exhausted to consciously move my body in the ways I know to tune in and reach stillness. There was nothing else I could do but rest. I found that rest can be difficult initially. The mind doesn’t want to do it so aspects of the body can’t. But I had to continue in that uncomfortable space until it became less and less uncomfortable.

Entering another layer of my 40’s, coming through the Fall Equinox, and honoring the 18 legal years of commitment to the partnership with my twin, means that greater wisdom has increased as I’m able to reflect on all aspects of living and reflect on the truth of how the energy is presenting itself. Heavy and tight I may feel again down the road, but my awareness and knowing of the root of it all has been made crystal clear. The growth in my power is my new understanding that there is nothing I need to go into action and do to try to harmonize that energy.

There is nothing I need to do but still myself. And if I can’t be still, ask a question and listen. Listen until it is answered and remain open to the reception of the answer even though it won’t always come immediately. Yet, if I am properly resting and continuously tuning into Self to align to the God-Is within, then all I have to do is BE as I’m witnessing how energy is presenting itself in my environment.

Surviving

Unpacking